The Real You is Worth Knowing

Do you find yourself saying yes when you really mean no?

Holding back what you actually think to avoid conflict, rejection, or disappointing someone?

Do you become “easier,” more agreeable, just to keep the peace?

If so, what has that been costing you?

Do you notice the resentment afterward? Not only toward other people, but toward yourself.

Somewhere inside, you know when you are abandoning your truth. You know when you are performing instead of being honest.

And if that goes unchecked long enough, does that resentment begin turning into unconscious frustration, distance, projection?

What about anxiety?

The replaying conversations in your head. The emotional tension in your body. The exhaustion that comes from constantly managing how everyone experiences you instead of simply being who you are.

What if your body knows every place where you are out of alignment with yourself?

I was speaking with a client recently who was trying to work through a big issue in her relationship. I noticed she kept saying, “I know I’m a people pleaser,” and “I’m not good with conflict.”

She made this her identity.

Friends were telling her to leave the relationship. Even her therapist suggested it.

As a coach, I suggested the complete opposite. That she absolutely stay and work on being more honest with herself and with others.

And here is what else I suggested she think about:

“Would you want to become someone who handles conflict differently? Someone who stops saving face for everyone else while losing your own?”

And,

“Would you want to become someone who can speak their truth, stay grounded in discomfort, and still remain connected?”

“Why not begin where you are?”

“If you leave without addressing your own patterns, what happens when you go into your next relationship?”

"What if your friends and partner had a relationship with — and therefore reacted to — who you really are?"

Maybe the relationship wasn’t only revealing problems with the other person. Maybe it was also revealing the places where she abandons herself. The places where she lacks the confidence and skills to navigate conflict honestly, so she defaults to pleasing, avoiding, suppressing, and then outwardly blaming instead of directly engaging.

I think inquiry is what helps us return to ourselves.

Ask:

What part of myself am I protecting when I'm not honest with my needs, opinions, and boundaries?

What am I afraid to lose? What reaction am I afraid to recieve?

Where has people pleasing and avoidance served me in the past?

If I stopped managing everyone else’s comfort for a moment, what would I actually say, need, or choose?

If I expressed my truth and my partner or friend decided to leave me, what would I make that mean about me?

Maybe the perfect time to decide differently about who you want to be is not later, but now, inside the life and relationships you already have.