What if there’s something you keep saying you don’t want… but some part of you is strangely invested in keeping it around?
One of the provocative ideas in Carolyn Elliott’s Existential Kink is that having can be evidence of wanting.
If something keeps showing up in our lives, it’s worth getting curious about what unconscious desire might be helping to keep it there.
We may not want the circumstance itself, but some part of us may be deeply familiar with, and unconsciously drawn to, the feeling it creates.
We can consciously want peace, love, success, freedom, or change while unconsciously being attached to the opposite: the drama, the struggle, the resentment, the fighting, even the satisfaction of feeling righteous or right because we feel so strongly about something.
Which sounds ridiculous, right? Who enjoys being in a state of contention?
But enjoyment doesn’t always mean happiness. Sometimes it’s the intensity. The familiarity. The feeling of being wronged, deprived, rebellious, or perpetually almost getting what we really want.
The point isn’t to judge ourselves for any of this. It’s to become conscious of what we’ve been unconsciously participating in.
Once we can see what has been operating underneath our current choices and behaviors, we can reassess, choose differently, and reorganize our lives around what we consciously want instead.
REFLECTION
What keeps showing up in your life that you say you don’t want, and if you became curious rather than judgmental, what might you discover about the part of you that has been helping to keep it there?
How might it be serving you? Is it offering the comfort of familiarity? Protecting you from the uncertainty of something different? Reinforcing what you believe is possible for you? Or allowing you to avoid the responsibility of making the change you know is yours to make?
The Integrated SELF begins with understanding the mental and emotional patterns operating within us, especially the ones we may not consciously recognize. When we understand what drives our reactions, attachments, and behaviors, we can show up in our relationships with greater awareness, honesty, and intention.
